Ok today I had to peer inside of myself. I try not to look back too long, much because like a runner, if you lose your focus you could lose the race (especially with a bad foot or hip). I am writing this mainly for those who are struggling with weight issues. Perhaps this has been your issue. Before coming to HCC, I had identified an area that really caused a lot of my weight issues. I had poor self esteem and I suffered depression. My esteem issues came from many tough years of abuse. Abuse and depression both crippled me, made me look in the mirror and see someone I did not like. It's really too bad I felt that way because when I look at old pictures, I see a really pretty girl (very thin, too). I did not like myself most of the time. I always had relationships. Never had a problem attracting men, but I always felt it was not me they were attracted to. I always felt that they always had some wrong motive. After many years of talking to professionals, reading one self-help book after another, and of course the most helpful of the self-help books on my shelf, the bible. I decided to make a change. I decided to love and take care of myself. Sounds simple, but it was hard. Just like a mother would love a child. Yes, I had to take action. I was not living. I was a making myself a victim in many situations which, many times, circumstances did not warrant. My tears, a little now, are a wittness that I lost too many years, if only.....no I can't go there, dry my eyes. I have to live NOW. I cannot change the past. I am living now. No time for the pity pot (flush and walk away from those thoughts). I have learned how to love ME. When I started this journey, I met my husband whom I am married to now. It took me a while to trust him and let him love me. (My Ben is such a kind person, would not hurt a flea.) Wow! Am I glad I was on the mend or I probably would be single to this day. Then the brain tumor hit me, and my weight got out of control and then the depression. (I had some weight starting before the actual diagnosis.) Now this person in the mirror was worth fighting for, but was not very pretty. I cannot deny I was afraid to the point of screaming, some days to the top of my lungs (scared myself to death doing that)! I may have given up if I had not started this process. My face was swollen, my weight went to it's all time high, and I was dealing with learning how to walk without a walker, and then without a cane. This took my self-esteem down again. This time I am ready to fight. Fight for this precious life I have been given. And I am not done yet. Hey! I just started living. I pleaded to God. Yes, I have deep belief in God. I could not have done this without him. If you want to hear about my faith just ask me. (I don't want to push religion on this blog unless you want to know) Now my kids are grown, but what about my grandkids? I want to be there for them now. What will my hubby do without me? The fight is on and I made it!! My recovery from my illness was due to loving me. I was worth fighting for. Any doctor will tell you, going into surgery for a craniotomy, that you have to have a good attitude. I found laughter even when I was in intensive care. (mainly due to many prayers) I even celebrated coming out of there with my ipod. Still something I can't leave home without.
When you love yourself it helps, because then you can love others. It's true, not a cliche'. If you suffer depression, you suffer low self-esteem. Work on loving yourself. Make time for you.
Another word that helped me through my abuse issues is the word FORGIVENESS. Yes, I have made peace with those who have hurt me in my past. What a freeing experience. I think that is why I like to dance. I feel free. I have found that working out does release those endorphines to make you feel good. So much better than taking anti-depression pills. Losing weight makes you feel better about your self-image but you got to peer through your soul too. I have to remind myself that it takes time but I know now I can do it. Yes I am doing it and I can just scream with joy of how good it feels this time!!! Remember in the beginning that I said "cry with me, rejoice with me". I have tears now of joy. I am starting to recognize that young girl again.
good for you gina,
ReplyDeleteBEAUTIFUL (both your comments and you yourself)! Thank you.
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